Give Me a Second, Chad

Today I’ve decided to come to work with enough money to buy some Joe & the Juice. This is my third time investing in Joe’s, and every time I come, I can’t help but notice that the most attractive friend groups tend to spend their time here. There’s no line today, so I’ve gotta think on my feet. If there’s not a line when you walk in to Joe’s, the baristas will give you no time at all to look at the menu. Upon eye contact, you’re met with a “Hi! What can I get for you today?” Like, c’mon. Give me a second, Chad. I just got here.

I opt the for the avocado sandwich and a smoothie, although I don’t actually want the smoothie. See, I don’t want to be an inconvenience to the barista by making him wait another 40 seconds for me to read the rest of the menu, and the drink I just ordered is the same one I got on Monday. So, I guess you could say I’m playing it safe.

I’m not too keen on these types of interactions due to the fact that I’m generally a pretty indecisive person. The barista gives me my receipt, and I’m suddenly conflicted about which seat I should take. I want something that’s comfortable, but not comfortable to the point that I am tempted to overstay and be late for work.

I mean, for Christ’s sake...this is a damn chair I’m debating over. I eventually settle for a seat around a table that has minimal lighting and sleek marble tops. Across from me perches a girl with blonde hair and airpods. She looks like she has at least 5,000 followers on the ‘gram. Very trendy, very chic. Above her are a couple of picture frames that I’m almost positive came straight off my Tumblr feed. One in particular that’s catching my eye is a picture of an avocado with the words “Not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet, EAT ME NOW, too late —Avocados.” I’m attempting to sneak a snap of it in hopes that the trendy blonde doesn’t think I’m trying to take a picture of her, but I think I’m failing.

I’m interrupted by a now shorter barista trying to get my attention. He probably thinks I was trying to take a picture of the blonde girl, and if he didn’t, he does now, because my face is heating up, and I’m probably turning red from the thought of him thinking that.

I return to my seat and continue scanning the wall. I notice two white pieces of wood to my left, but the way they’re placed it sorta looks like a man punching himself in the face. I’m honestly very confused about this wall art. It kind of looks like a Trump silhouette. Is this place supposed to be super liberal and I just wasn’t aware of this before today? I’m realizing how dumb that assumption was because there’s a picture on the wall in front of me that says: “Sex Me Up is not just one of our juices, it’s also a song!” This also happens to be the drink I’m having right now, but aside from that, the same silhouette from the wall is on this poster...and on my cup...turns out it’s just Joe and not Trump.

At this point I’m kicking myself, thinking I should’ve ordered a coffee and not a mere juice, but the damage is done. I know I can take my drink to go with me, so I’m trying to kill it as fast as possible. Not because I don’t want to be judged when I walk into the office, but because it’s 20 degrees out and my hands will freeze just from holding the cup. I’ve done more debating in the past 15 minutes with myself here than I probably have all week. I have ten minutes to be at work and as per usual, I rush out the door hoping I can get it together in the span of five blocks.