23 Shades of Grey
Have you ever experienced a breakup? Does the way you dress have significance during difficult times? Who has the time to consider an outfit when feeling down? Where can I find the self-help book about maintaining good dressing while grieving someone?
This January, I turned 23, and I experienced a painful breakup, leading to a depressive episode that affected my well-being. The weather didn’t provide much assistance either; like rain on a gloomy winter day, my eyes would often well up with tears. My therapist advised me to take it one day at a time, but I found myself trapped in a single moment. My joyful self was wiped from my memory.
Dressing up became tough when normally, it was my mode of self-expression. I’d wear sky blues on a sunny day, flirty red on dates to compliment my brown skin, and chic black looks during museum trips to The Met (to not detract from the art on the walls). My vibrant world faded into black and white, leaving me and my fashion choices grey–specifically tombstone grey, symbolizing the end of love and the loss of joy.
As I write this, my phone conveniently shuffles into Ariana Grande’s twilight zone: “Is this a black and white scene? / If so, I’m in the gray one”.
I was living in ‘50 Shades of Grey,’ but it wasn’t sexy like the movie. I was coping with retail therapy and noticed the color pattern that all started with my gray Italian wool coat I purchased from a store on 5th Avenue. I was leaving the stores with shopping bags of cashmeres in slate, ash, and gunmetal.
In the past, it would take me around a quarter of my “get-ready” playlist to coordinate a look for the day, but ever since my breakup, I haven’t taken more than five minutes. I turned to shades of grey during this time of doubt since colors no longer spoke to me. I was gravitating to gray because it’s not black enough, not white enough, and that’s how I felt to the people around me: not enough.
As I entered March and the start of spring, I chose to take control of the situation. I started to practice dopamine dressing, the idea of embodying happiness and deliberately enhancing your mood with a cheerful wardrobe. As I started choosing brighter shades, my concerns felt smaller.
If it wasn’t for dopamine dressing and my serotonin-fueled trip to Mexico, I would still be dressing in the soulless shade of stone. I would have never dug through my wardrobe and found my orange vintage Roberto Cavalli top I was saving for a happy day or the red shorts I was holding off on wearing until a run on the beach Baywatch style.
Sometimes, all you need is sunshine, ceviche, and a pina colada to remind you that life has so many rainbows to watch out for.