The Unluckiest Person in the World
Welcome to our column written by Managing Editor Caitlyn Araña, called Catching Up With Caitlyn. Through letters, she addresses the trials and tribulations that come with learning and growing as a 20-something. Tune in for your weekly dose of drama. Love, work, relationships, health… Nothing is off limits here.
Dear Matthew*,
I am obsessed with you, and you probably have no idea who I am. Okay, that’s a lie. You definitely know who I am, and I’m also not “obsessed” with you. I’ve never followed you around or tried to predict your next move or pretended to know you like your friends know you. When I say obsessed, I mean it in the way where someone watches the popular crowd in high school, or the way that celebrities are always on our radar. At the end of the day, we’re from different planets. Even though we know each other’s planets exist, we’d never exist on the same one.
You were definitely one of those guys that I convinced myself into liking. Yes, you looked as if a Greek God chiseled you out of stone himself, and yes, you had that quality that made you so endearing… but I never thought that I would like you. Then one day, I decided that I would. You looked like someone that I was in love with, and suddenly you became the tangible version of that person (except you were and continue to be out of my league).
The more I paid attention to you, the more I started to notice subtleties that no one else would. Thus began the magical thinking that could either have been the entire truth or completely in my head.
Have you ever been in a room full of people on their phones, and you were the only one who wasn’t? Do you remember the feeling of watching as they all were so encompassed by their own lives that only you could see what was actually happening? That’s how it felt watching you.
You see, I spent a lot of my life watching you want her when all I wanted was you.
I think I definitely wanted your attention, but when I learned that there were more interesting things about your life than I originally thought, getting your attention didn’t matter as much. You had mine. You see, this is less of a love letter to you and more of an observation letter. I want to let you know what I saw. We’re more alike than you’d think.
You loved her. Every day… for three years… you loved her. And even though Maria* was your wanker best friend’s girlfriend, you loved her anyways. Of course you never told Seth* that you were madly in love with her, but it showed. He might’ve been too wrapped up in his own life to see, but for someone like me, it was obvious. He was never going to see the way that you two held hands in the hallways and quickly let go of each other as he approached. He was never going to see how close you two were when walking side by side, and he never noticed how you always had your arm around her. Because for him, you both were two of his best friends.
As I sat on the sidelines, I wanted you to notice me noticing you. I wanted you to realize that I could see right through you. But you were just as oblivious to me as Seth was to you. But you know what part really hits? She didn’t love you. Sure you were a great friend to her, but that’s all it was. She didn’t want to be with you or care to get to know you. She wanted you because you made her feel wanted, and Seth didn’t. So why was I sitting there, hoping that you’d want me? You didn’t make me feel wanted. Hell, if anything, I know exactly what you thought of me. You didn’t want to want me.
And that’s fine. To each his own, right? Maybe I’m a masochist for allowing myself to be hurt in the same way you allowed yourself to be. Maybe I thought I was better than you. Or, maybe I just really could not accept the fact that you didn’t want me.
I’m not dumb, okay? I knew that we were never going to happen. Like I said, we live on different planets. But at one point, you did let me onto your little planet. For a brief moment, you did. The more we talked in tiny increments, the more I wanted to get to know you. I wanted from you what you wanted from Maria. But we both never got what we wanted. In the long run, Seth ended up with Maria, and you and I both ended up disappointed.
Don’t worry. I’m not going to make you out to be a bad person for occasionally hooking up with Maria or for loving her. That’s not my goal in this. I don’t think that you’re a bad person. In fact, your intentions were so pure that it makes it hard for me to be upset that you didn’t want me. It makes me wonder sometimes if there was anything I could’ve done to make you want me. Was there something I could’ve done differently? Something I could’ve done better?
But none of it matters. There’s a quote that goes something like, “If you're lucky… I mean, if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.” Neither of us were lucky. In the end, you want the one you love and not the one who loves you.
Only Love,
Caitlyn Mae
*Names have been changed to maintain integrity.