Drowning

I experience this inexplicable feeling as if I’m drowning. As if my lungs are being filled up with liquid. Not being able to breathe; suffocating. 

This is it, I say to myself. 

My limbs go numb. This is my first indication that it’s going to happen again. 

My arms just hang by my side, unable to move for a short amount of time. But by the time I gain movement back into my muscles, my heart rate and breathing has already spiraled out of control. 

It was on a Monday night. If I had any idea that something as miniscule as an academic paper was going to trigger my first panic attack in months, I would—actually, I don’t know what I would have done to deter it. I begin to feel incapable, inadequate, and irrational. Like everything I have ever accomplished holds no sense of meaning. Worthlessness. 

My anxiety then skyrocketed. I became completely dissociated from reality. 

My breath shortened, and I couldn’t speak any words aloud. But the continuation of my rapid thoughts inside my head made the silence unbearable. I kept telling myself to breathe over and over again, but as the tears streamed down my face making my eyesight distorted, I had the realization that I couldn’t. 

I called the one person who could instantly calm me down from my panicked episode with just the sound of her voice—my mother. 

Anxiety has been a part of me throughout my entire adolescence; this constant state of fight or flight first began to surface when I was around 12 years old. I was never medicated, but reflecting back, I probably should have been. 

Everyone experiences anxiety at various points in their life; it’s completely normal. However, there is a distinct contrast between those who mildly feel anxiety when stressors emerge compared to those who endure an anxiety disorder. 

The symptoms of anxiety disorders vary due to it being a “group of related conditions rather than a single disorder,” according to HelpGuide. The question of whether or not anxiety is overwhelming to the point it continuously interferes with one’s life is a key indicator that one has an anxiety disorder. There are several types of anxiety disorders including panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), social anxiety disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).     

I never expressed to my mom, or frankly anyone, the severity of my personal struggles with anxiety. This is partly due to the fact that I could, in a sense, control it. Months would go by where I felt perfectly fine, where this aching feeling didn’t possess my body. And even if I felt a slight inkling that an anxiety episode was resurfacing, I would push it away, ignoring the problem until it spiraled out of my control. 

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, it happens. I experience long amounts of time being uneasy and restless, causing a detrimental effect on my mental health. I tend to distract myself by filling up all of my free time with an unhealthy amount of work, binge watching, whatever I could do to occupy my mind so I could avoid dealing with my anxiety head on. 

I am aware that this is a harmful coping mechanism, but I continue to do so unconsciously. When I finally come to terms with my anxiety, I am met with immense frustration because I can’t pinpoint an exact reason as to why my severe anxiety reemerged. I don’t always have an explanation to justify why I feel this wave of apprehension, which ultimately causes an increase in my irrationality. 

Why are you feeling this way? You don’t know. Well, that’s because there’s no reason you should. You’re unbelievable, just stop. 

Every time I think I finally have a grip on my anxiety, it slips through my fingers in a more intense way than the previous time. It’s almost as if my mind relapses. 

I tend to isolate myself when I adventure through my waves of chronic anxiety. I have people in my life that are my support system, but I still struggle with opening up about how I truly feel. This is out of fear that I’m being a burden. And that’s the funny thing about anxiety. Even though I have fulfilling relationships, in the back of my head I continuously have unreasonable doubts regarding my friendships, even though they have showed me time and time again that they are dependable. 

It’s excruciatingly draining.  

It’s exhausting to constantly remind yourself that your own thoughts are unreasonable; to try to get outside of your head; to understand that your mind is playing tricks on the perception of your surroundings. And when I am too tiresome to ward off every incoherent thought, I give in. I drown. 

I abandon any sense of reason, and my anxiety then consumes me. It’s a constant battle and although this is bleak, I’m working on being more honest and open with myself—no matter how hard it is. 

And that’s a part of it. Willing to be open and contribute to the conversation pertaining to anxiety as well as fighting against the stigma surrounding mental health. I hope whomever comes across this article now feels compelled and courageous enough to speak out about their own mental health struggles.