Whatever Works: Is it Possible to Design a Relationship That Fits You Perfectly?
*Article from Lexington Line’s Autumn/Winter 2021 Issue, pages 8-10
Check out the full issue here.
Is it possible to design a relationship that fits you perfectly?
We all crave love and affection—it’s human nature. But this doesn’t mean the same thing for everyone. Some people care only about sex; others want to find a soulmate. There’s a wide spectrum in between, and more and more these days, people are feeling freer to engineer relationships that satisfy their very particular commitment needs. Casual relationships, “friends with benefits” arrangements, polyamory, monogamy, the “thruple”—what all these relationships have in common is that if you don’t communicate very specific boundaries, you could end up devastated. And it’s essential to remember that no matter how perfect your arrangement is, people’s needs change as they grow.
In “friends with benefits” relationships (FWBs), it’s easy for the lines to blur. Julia, a 20-year-old New Yorker, says her FWB with Julian started when they met at a bar. Julian took her out once, but Julia now believes it was because “he needed to play the game.” After that one date, they’d only hang out at his house. It was a “Netflix and Chill” relationship, and Julia knew this, but she couldn’t help hoping for more. They didn’t set clear terms, she says, and this led to some problems down the line.
“I thought, well, if I just have sex with him enough, maybe he will grow attached,” she recalls.
This turned out to be wishful thinking. They had been seeing each other for two months when one night, at a bar, Julian kissed a random girl in front of her. To Julia, this was a violation, and she ended the relationship.
“I pursued him for validation and attention, because I felt it was lacking at the time,” she says. “That’s usually how it goes for me, which I know isn’t healthy.”
Julia says she would prefer a traditional, committed relationship, but she has had trouble making a real emotional connection.
“I always end up just being used,” she says, “which is also partially my fault because I give it up kind of quickly.”
20-year-old Manhattanite Carly had a very different FWB experience, perhaps due to her slightly different approach.
“Don’t do it when you’re feeling lonely,” she admonishes. “Do it when you’re feeling happy with yourself but want to release sexual tension. It’ll make you feel worse if you’re desperate and lonely.”
She says she hung out with Owen, a former childhood friend, a couple times a week last summer. They mutually agreed they just wanted something fun and temporary, and it worked out well for them— as far as she knows, neither secretly wished it would develop into something more. In her experience, she says, it’s a bad idea to enter this kind of arrangement if you’re just going to hope the dynamic changes.
Sarah, a 22-year-old from Brooklyn, faced a similar situation, but instead of an FWB, it was a “casual” relationship. The difference between a casual relationship and an FWB is that a typical FWB is only about sex, while a casual relationship basically means never leaving the “dating” phase.
She was with her casual partner, Nathan, for two years. Casual worked for her because she had just gotten out of a serious relationship and wasn’t ready to jump back into one. The couple would go on dates and spend a lot of time together, but they both continued to pursue other people as well. They never met each other’s families or posted about each other on social media. As long as they kept communicating, she says, things were worked out. They wound up catching feelings for each other, but they wanted and believed very different things, and they knew that going into it.
“A casual relationship for me is better than an FWB,” she shares. “I think it can be good if you’re not where you feel like you’d like to be before being in a fully committed relationship.”
Jess, 21, had a little more trouble in her casual relationship. She met her partner, Lucas, on Bumble when the two both lived in Brooklyn. From the beginning, both were aware that Lucas was planning to move to L.A in a month. But things started to get more serious just as he was about to leave.
“I had met someone who I truly had feelings for and didn’t want to let that go, regardless of the status of our relationship,” she says.
The two stayed in contact and maintained their casual relationship despite the distance. Still, it’s not quite what she wants.
“He treats me with kindness and respect, so it’s not like I’ve been allowing myself to be mistreated,” she says. “But I’m at a point now where I’ve been slowly talking to him less and less because I know I can’t do this anymore.”
Not all long distance arrangements are doomed. Violet (they/them), a 21-year-old from North Carolina, began dating their girlfriend, Katie, a few months ago. Since they live in different states, they agreed to keep their relationship “open.” This means that they are able to explore other physical relationships with the expectation that there will be no emotional connection with another partner.
Violet puts it bluntly: “In all honesty, there’s a physical sex need that can’t always be fulfilled over the phone.”
This relationship structure has been successful for them. Once they live in the same city, which they hope will be next summer, the plan is to be monogamous while possibly entertaining the occasional ménage à trois.
Of course, the trouble with any “planned” relationship dynamic is the potential for jealousy. Some relationships lack this struggle, but others are consumed by it.
Alex, a 20-year-old from Manhattan, has been dating her boyfriend, Clay, for three years now. They began dating in high school and became long distance when he moved away for college. She says the distance led to a sense of possessiveness that wasn’t quite there before. For example, for Halloween one year, she wanted to dress up as a devil because her roommate was going to be an angel.
“When I showed Clay, he didn’t seem that into it. He was jealous of the fact that I would be at parties without him, and that I’d be dressed in a provocative way,” she remembers. “It didn’t help that my roommate and I did a duo costume. All I had wanted to do was dress up with my friends and go have fun.”
They found a way to work it out, but she never felt quite comfortable knowing how insecure the distance made him.
Jealousy is, of course, a threat to every relationship, but it can be overcome.
Dana, a 22-year-old from Columbus, Ohio, (he/they) met their polyamorous partner Chase on Tinder. In a poly relationship, you can date people who don’t know each other, or you can date two people who are also dating each other (otherwise known as a “throuple”). Chase had included in his bio that he was polyamorous, and Dana was curious to test it out.
When they met, Chase had been with a different poly partner for six years and was looking for one other partner. At first, Dana was very jealous, but once Dana got to meet Chase’s other partner, the jealousy went away. Chase had anxiety that was hard for Dana to handle, but they knew his other partner was better at providing support. Dana says it helped to see there were different advantages each partner could offer.
Eventually, Dana would split up their time between Chase and other potential partners. Whenever Dana would go on dates with others, Chase would ask about it and seemed to genuinely care how it went. But after a few months, Dana went on a date with someone they really fell for. The new couple decided to be monogamous, and that was the end of Dana’s poly experiment.
Yes, the traditional monogamous relationship is still an option. Kylie, a 20-year-old from Missouri, has a story that seems right out of a Hallmark movie. She and Ben had been working together at a produce stand for several months. There was no real spark until Ben accidentally dented her Mustang in the parking lot with his Toyota FJ. They talked and became best friends, she says, and after two months, he officially asked her to be his girlfriend. A year later, it has matured into a serious relationship. She says what she loves about her monogamous relationship is “the assurance that he’s all mine—that all the effort and love I pour into my best friend is shared 100% back with me.”
So what can we learn from these stories? That it might be possible to get exactly what you are looking for in a relationship, but that it’s important to be direct with partners about your needs, even if it’s difficult—and to remember that eventually, those needs are liable to change.