For My Future Lover
Welcome to our column written by editor-at-large Caitlyn Mae Araña, called Catching Up With Caitlyn. Through letters, she addresses the trials and tribulations that come with learning and growing as a 20-something.
Tune in for your dose of drama, and strap in ladies and gents… Nothing is off limits here.
Dear Future Lover,
I posted an Instagram story asking about what people might want to hear during my last semester doing Catching Up With Caitlyn, and someone responded asking me about where I’m at right now in my love life. Am I looking for someone? Am I focusing on myself? What’s going on? So, I’ve decided to write a letter to you, future lover.
Our life together is something that I’ve thought about since I was younger. While I could never picture how you’d look, I knew how I wanted to feel. Even now, I know. I want someone that I can be comfortable around and be able to laugh with. I want someone who can pull me back when I get too invested in films and TV shows because you understand why film and TV is so important to me. I want someone who I can recover from an argument with. I want to feel safe with you. I want to feel accepted and appreciated. If you’re reading this, chances are, you make me feel all these things in ways that other people haven’t been able to.
I don’t know who you are or where you are, but I hope we’re madly in love—not in the way that you see in fairytales, but the real way. I hope you understand who I am and what I’m about, and I hope you love me because of it and not in spite of it. When I look around at the people still in my life and the people who have left, I’m reminded of both the things that I’ve done right and wrong. Honestly, I think there’s been more wrong done by me than right. That, or the wrong things just stand out more. I think of the lies that I’ve told people, the way I might’ve treated them… the way I might’ve used them to feel something.
Hopefully by the time we meet, I’ve fully let go of the person that I used to be. At the moment of writing this, while I’m not necessarily that person anymore, I also haven’t fully let her go. She’s persistent and intrusive, and she keeps me from letting people like you into my life. She keeps me from being honest. That’s kind of why I’m writing this. I want to be honest with you. I want to do now what future me might be afraid of doing.
If I haven’t talked to you about things because I’ve said that they don’t affect me, or because I didn’t feel like talking about it, or because I’ve shut down in the process, ask me again after reading this. Ask me about my past relationships. Ask me about my family. Ask me about the time that I wasn’t loyal. Ask me about the time that I didn’t give consent. Ask me about my anxiety and depression and constant mood swings. Ask me about my dad. If I love you the way that I’m imagining I would, I’ll talk to you. I’ll be honest with you.
Right now, while I’m not outwardly looking for you, some days I am. Some days, I’m not. On the days that I am, I have to remind myself that I need to work on me. There is so much about who I am that I haven’t figured out yet. There’s so much about my own needs and wants that I don’t completely understand. I’m also not even halfway to fully loving myself. I need to at least love myself before giving my love to someone else. So, I’m working on it. I’m trying to work quickly though, because the self-love road is a bit of a lonely one. But I think that just proved that I’m still not there yet. If I were in a place to accept you into my life, I wouldn’t think of self-love as lonely. Yet, I do. So, until that changes, I’ll miss you. See you later.
Only Love,
Caitlyn Mae