Breaking Down Nessa Barrett's "dying on the inside"
‘I hate that I always look my best
When I'm dying on the inside’
While Nessa Barrett’s rise to fame may have stemmed from her popularity on TikTok, she has proved herself time and time again as a skilled musician. Her first song, “Pain,” was released in July 2020, and more recently she released her first EP, Pretty Poison, in September 2021. Now, fans are waiting patiently for the release of her debut album, but until then we’ll be listening to her new single “dying on the inside” over and over again.
Barrett’s newest song may be her most vulnerable one yet. In her lyrics, she discusses the struggles of battling an eating disorder and the pain in keeping it a secret for so long. I could go on about the depth behind Barrett’s lyrics, but first let’s break down some of these verses.
“You should take this as a compliment
If I were you, I would be more confident
You're lucky that you're pretty
Why are you obsessed with your appearance?
I don't wanna hear it, you're fine”
In verse one, Barrett shares how the words of others have affected her and how no one seems to understand what she’s going through because she’s “pretty” and “fine” on the outside. With others constantly aspiring to look like her, Barrett explains how this invalidates the way she feels about herself in this verse.
“It's been my best-kept secret for a while now
No one ever sees it, but it's all around
It's the dinner conversation no one talks about
Don't know how much longer I can keep this down”
During pre-chorus one, we begin to hear how Barrett has held this secret in for so long, explaining how this eating disorder is a weight she’s carried on her back. Even if no one can physically see it, it’s been a part of her life, and she’s sick of having to keep this battle to herself.
“Beauty is a knife
I've been holding by the blade
Swallowing my pride so I won't eat anything
It's all a lie, honestly, it's eating me alive
They're all like
Did you change your hair?
Did you lose a little weight?
You should keep it up 'cause it really looks great
I hate that I always look my best
When I'm dying on the inside
When I'm dying on the inside”
The first line, “beauty is a knife I’ve been holding by the blade,” gave me chills when I first heard it. Barrett is connecting beauty with physical pain, making sense as she’s hurting her body. We can assume that this refers to anorexia as in the next line, she says “swallowing my pride so I won’t eat anything.” Barrett knows that this is wrong and that what she’s doing to her body is hurting her, but in the later chorus, we feel her inner conflict when people continuously tell her how great she looks. And finally, we’ve learn that “dying on the inside” refers to how she feels when she feels she looks her best. She only seems to “look good” to others when she is hurting herself the most.
“I wish I could break the mirror
It makes me feel like I should fucking disappear
And drown my demons in a bathtub filled with tears
No matter what I try, they always seem to come back to life”
Verse two dives into how she feels when she looks in the mirror and feels like she’s not good enough to be around. The demons in her head are telling her that she’s not good enough, but no matter what she does, she can’t seem to push them away.
“What if I didn't do this to my body?
What if I quit and then you don't want me?
The dinner conversation no one talks about
Don't know how much longer I can keep this down”
Our last lyrics to touch on are pre-chorus two, explaining how she’s afraid to stop this harmful cycle out of fear of how others will perceive her. The “you” she refers to could be a multitude of options; it could be a partner, a friend, even her fans.
Barrett is afraid that if she quits this cycle she’ll begin to lose people in her life, but maybe it’s actually herself that she’s afraid to lose.
Source: Spotify
After breaking down these lyrics we can see Barrett has clearly struggled with her eating disorder, and as someone who has also struggled, I know how tough it can be to overcome these feelings. Personally, I think what I love so much about this song is that it’s a reminder that we’re not alone in our body image issues.
As Barrett shares in the beginning of her music video, there are always ways to get help. Remember: we don’t have to be “dying on the inside” in order to look good.
*Text HOME to 741741 for support if you are experiencing issues with eating disorders or body image.