Elephant in the Room: Navigating the Complexities of Interracial Relationships
*Article from Lexington Line Spring/Summer 2024 issue, pages 40-44
Check out the full issue here
It would be easier to ignore the fact that my boyfriend is Black. It would be easier to simply go on dates and fall in love without the notion of race and worries about how others will treat us.
Unfortunately, that’s not how the world works. Dating outside of one’s race isn’t taboo anymore, but it’s for sure questioned. In 2017, only 39% of all American adults agreed that the growing number of interracial marriages is a good thing for the country, according to the Pew Research Center.
“There is a huge stereotype that exists specifically with white women and Black men on social media, and I really wanted to be a couple who defied that.”
But Blair Miller and Steven Eleanor don’t listen to those who disapprove of their marriage when they post on TikTok. Blair and Steven, a TikTok influencer couple with a following of 1.1 million, got married on March 23rd, 2023, after dating for five years.
“I don’t think people actually try to discuss it much at all. It’s sort of one of those things that people see and already have a firm opinion about from the jump without needing to know the two individuals,” says Steven, a 31-year-old Black entrepreneur. “They see something they think doesn’t mix and automatically disapprove of it.”
Yael Bat-Shimon and Dr. Paula M. Smith are a gay interracial couple who have been married for 16 years. In 2011, they co-founded Imago Relationships Providence. Through their work as a couple conducting interracial couples therapy, they model honesty and accountability for their clients to teach them to stop hiding from the difficulties of race and their relationship issues.
“It’s a risk to be able to speak your truth authentically. It’s also a risk to hear a truth that you disagree with,” Paula says. “But you must listen long enough to hear the validity of that truth for another person.”
But listening doesn’t always happen in a society where forming and spreading stereotypes is the norm.
“There is a huge stereotype that exists specifically with white women and Black men on social media, and I really wanted to be a couple who defied that,” explains Blair, a 26-year-old pediatric critical care nurse. “I didn’t want people to see us, roll their eyes, and say , ‘Here we go, yet another interracial couple.’”
But they rarely ever focus their content on the fact that they are an interracial couple, Steven says.
“I personally have never wanted to be on that side of social media where I’m setting people up to just talk about race in the comments nonstop,” he adds. “I’d rather them talk about our connection and how seeing that makes them feel about their significant other or the significant other they want to have.”
Blair and Steven set a prime example of a loving newlywed couple who laugh together and support one another on social media. Their content never focuses on the fact they’re an interracial couple; instead, they set standard for what it means to be committed to each other, regardless of race.
“Interracial Black and white couples are at the forefront of learning something very profound about how you cross the bridge into the other person’s world,” Yael claims. “They’re learning to truly see their partner and make space for the magnificent human being that they are.”
However, my boyfriend and I—and our friends Aniyah and Andrew, also an interracial couple—are far from marriage at the moment. That leaves learning how to navigate dating outside of our communities on top of working out the usual relationship quirks.
Aniyah, a 20-year-old Black woman, says her parents were accepting when she first brought home Andrew, her 20-year-old Latino boyfriend of five years.
“I live with my dad and my mom is in Florida, and they were very supportive,” Aniyah explains. “But there have always been jokes and banter that I’m ‘whitewashed,’ so it wasn't surprising that I came home with Andrew.”
Tanya Mitra is a certified couples coach and founder of The Remixed Relationship, which provides culturally-sensitive training for couples in interracial relationships. She explains how stereotypes impact couples and can complicate a relationship.
“If it’s not directly through internal biases within one or both partners, then it’s usually present in the extended family, and ends up impacting the couple,” Tanya explains.
In Andrew’s case, his mom didn’t react in any overt way.
“There was definitely a vibe from when Aniyah first came over because they expected me to come home with a Hispanic since I’m Hispanic, but they don’t have a problem with our relationship,” he says.
But his dad still hasn’t met Aniyah.
“Even after five years, we’re kind of avoiding it, since we’re not sure how he’ll react,” Andrew says.
“Often, it’s not enough for just one partner to educate themselves on the diverse experiences of privilege and oppression. It’s equally crucial for their close family members, friends, and social circles to undergo education as well,” explains Esra Nihan Bridge, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who focuses on interracial couples counseling. “This broader understanding fosters sensitivity towards each other’s perspectives, minimizing the risk of unintentionally harmful remarks, even if they were never intended to cause harm.”
My family didn’t bat an eye when I told them I was dating Jeremy and send them a picture of us together. As long as I was happy and safe, that was all that mattered. But it also helped that my mom had sat me down in high school and made it clear that whoever I brought home would be welcomed. The majority of West Michigan is populated with white conservatives, so for a 16-year-old, that conversation speaks volumes.
Jeremy, a 24-year-old Black man, has a slightly more complicated family situation.
“My parents are divorced, and I live with my dad and stepmom. So, when I first told them, they didn't think much of it,” he tells me. “They don’t care who I date. It’s just a matter of if this person will push me for the better and make me happy.”
But it was another story with Jeremy’s mother.
I’ve never met Jeremy’s mother in person and have only spoken to her once. But following a short introduction on FaceTime, his mother promptly asked if I understood that it doesn’t matter that I’m a woman, because on the street, people are going to target him first since he’s Black. She asked if I understood the power of my skin color and the power of my privilege.
I also recognize how protective Jeremy’s mother is. With her life experiences, which Jeremy has hinted at, it makes complete sense that she would want her children to be with others who know and have similar experiences. But his mother spoke as a reminder that our situation is more complex than we would like it to be.
I’ve heard stereotypes about how white women whitewash African American lineage when they have mixed children. Supposedly, those women overstep a boundary and take away the historical significance of their ancestors. It’s made me hesitate in our relationship and reflect on our future because I don’t want to overstep or take away anyone’s power.
“The silence of whiteness holds power. Everything around us is constructed to measure up to this white standard that no one ever really acknowledges until they get into a relationship with a conscious Black person,” says Dr. Paula. “So, of course, that creates a lot of stress on interracial couples, because there’s no language for them to talk about it.”
Societal prejudices about interracial relationships create stereotypes based on microaggressions between partners about the stress of their racial differences.
But fetishization seems to be the most common stereotype out there: that either white men fetishize Black women or white women fetishize Black men, calling it jungle fever.
“It’s a fine line between preference and fetishes when seeking partners outside your race,” Aniyah says.
“Growing up in New York, since Andrew and I met in high school, there were more people of color than there were white people,” Aniyah recalls. “But if you weren't Black, you were Mexican or Latino. So it wasn't that it was hard to talk about, it just wasn't common to date outside your culture or race.”
There were probably ten Black kids in my West Michigan public school. It created assumptions that you shouldn’t date outside your race because it wasn't common to see interracial couples.
“It’s a risk to be able to speak your truth authentically. It’s also a risk to hear a truth that you disagree with.”
“You only know the things you’re exposed to, and the environments that we’re raised in, shape what we know and how we think,” Jeremy adds. “And those environments may create more adversities for us to overcome.”
“Couples have challenges that range from the difference in the definition of family or marriage and what that means and looks like to each partner to differences in beliefs and gender role—especially for interracial and interfaith couples,” Tanya says.
The idea of interracial dating and couples who come from completely different backgrounds has always been an elephant of sorts in American society, even with younger generations exposed to more perspectives. Talking about biracial couples isn’t necessarily difficult, but once you’re in one, the subject tends to be the elephant no one outside of the relationship wants to address.
Nevertheless, there’s ultimate beauty in stepping into someone else’s world and learning why they are who they are, Steven says.
“Partners must engage in open and empathetic conversations about the challenges their significant other has faced due to their race, and how those experiences have impacted them emotionally,” Esra explains.
In 2019, nearly one in five American newlyweds were in an interracial marriage, according to the Pew Research Center. It’s possible that as these numbers grow, the need for cultural acceptance will diminish.
“It’s important to acknowledge that you will never fully comprehend your partner’s experiences, but by committing to understanding and supporting them as best you can, you foster trust and strengthen the bond between you both,” Esra claims.
When we started dating our partners, we agreed to support and accept them for who they are, not excluding their racial and cultural identity. When dating outside your culture, you have a larger responsibility to understand and stand by them.
“We have to own it, we have to take responsibility, we have to be held accountable,” says Dr. Paula. Her wife, Yael, explains that change is only indicated when we are held accountable.
When we acknowledge and learn from our differences, we have the power to impact society.