Equinox: Commit to Being Better
If you thought tight shirts and short shorts were the way to boast at the gym, you haven’t been to an Equinox. The over-the-top gym has become the Mecca for high class fitness. After being an Equinox member for a little over a month, I feel I have a finally gathered my opinions on this exercise extravaganza. In order to fully understand the Equinox lifestyle, let me walk you through the typical experience.
To begin, let’s just talk about the aesthetic of the gym. The overall look of Equinox varies between each location, but predominantly resembles the minimal, luxury lifestyle of a Malibu millionaire. I mean between the open architecture and elaborate layout, it’s hard to tell if you’re at a gym or George Clooney’s guest house. The extremely personal greeting from the front desk is nice, yet somehow feels like a Stepford wife situation. And don’t get me started on the locker rooms—or should I say gender-separated spas? The marble counters, the looming scent of eucalyptus and lavender, the employees who just hand you mints and chilled towels. Truly, I’m confused if I’m in a locker room or the bathroom of an elite night club.
Once you’ve treated yourself in the luxury locker rooms, you can make your way to the gym floor. Depending on the location, the workout area could all be on one level or be on four separate floors like a townhouse of the Upper East Side elite. The equipment is kept in pristine condition and cleaned by the employees immediately after use, which I have no complaints about. Before Equinox, I had worked out on ellipticals that resemble a rusty bucket, so I greatly appreciate the immaculate condition of the Equinox equipment.
Surrounding the equipment are off-duty models and the bulked-up men who like to mansplain how to use the squat machine. Oh, don’t worry ladies, Troy with the triceps will show you how even if you never asked for a tutorial. Now, if self-guided fitness or the gym floor doesn’t appeal to you, there are several fitness classes to choose from. When I first looked at the class schedule, I was overwhelmed by the options. I mean do I choose a barre class and embrace my inner black swan, or do I go to a crossfit class and pretend to be John Cena? Jokes aside, the actual classes are top of the line and taught by professional trainers—not just some jock named Scott who amped up on Whey protein powder and chose to wear a shirt he can barely fit a bicep in. The classes are quite challenging, but equally rewarding.
When you’ve decided to wrap up the workout portion of your stay at Equinox, you can make your way back to the locker room to truly experience a spa-like treatment. I know how this will make me sound, but the steam room may be the very reason I’m an Equinox member. I mean who doesn’t want to soak in a dimly lit, temple-like space that is full of essential oil infused steam? I mean I feel like a million bucks even if my account states that I’m worth $22.38. After a solid soak, you can step foot into the marble showers that are fully stocked with Kiehl’s products. You thought you had to bring your own soap? Honey, that’s for people who use Suave and Pantene and claim to be proud members of Blink fitness. As you finish up showering and rinsing off the calendula-infused soap, which who even knows what the hell that does, you can grab a freshly dried towel.
As you are getting dressed, don’t forget to take advantage of the complimentary grooming products that probably cost more than your monthly rent. I personally love the grapefruit exfoliant, but to each their own. Once you leave Equinox, or heaven, you can enjoy the rest of the day knowing that you’re a little better than everyone else.
No, but truly, Equinox provides a phenomenal experience that feels extremely professional. I have never left the gym without feeling rewarded or euphoric from exercising at Equinox. This gym’s high price tag and elite reputation may not be for everyone, but everyone should get the chance to enjoy it.
