The Finale
Welcome to our column written by editor-at-large Caitlyn Mae Araña, called Catching Up With Caitlyn. Through letters, she addresses the trials and tribulations that come with learning and growing as a 20-something.
Tune in for your dose of drama, and strap in ladies and gents… Nothing is off limits here.
Dear Reader,
It’s been a minute. There’s so much that has happened since my last letter that I feel needs to be talked about. For instance, I went on that trip, and I had the most beautiful and exhilarating experience. I graduated. People have come and gone, and some have left a bigger impact than others. And while this letter will tell you all about the person I’ve become and where I am today, I first want to address you, the reader, one final time.
Over the last three years, you’ve gotten to know me. You’ve gotten to know a person who overthinks, makes mistakes, and can be a tad bit dramatic (okay, very dramatic). At the same time, you’ve gotten to know a person who is immensely passionate, open, and honest. You’ve witnessed my self-reflection journey from lighthearted letters about high school and college loves, to letters that quite literally pained me to write. You’ve seen me open up not only as a person but as a writer. You made me feel listened to instead of just heard. You made me feel understood. And I can’t thank you enough for that opportunity. I can’t thank you enough for making me feel like my words and my voice matter. But thank you will have to do it for now until I can figure out how to send every reader some sort of cake or something!
But, as always, what kind of letter would this be if I didn’t give you a final update on where I’ve been over the last few months?
In my last letter, I talked about the purpose of my trip to the west coast being about my desire to learn how to be alone. I wanted to learn how to love myself when no one else was around. In the letter before that, I wrote about needing to love myself before giving love to anyone else. So, you see, the theme has been pretty consistent—character development. And I’ve been working on exactly that which has been new for me. I mean, I could write 100 letters about falling in love with random people, but how many could I really write about loving myself? Truthfully, not too many. And I want that to change. Unfortunately, that journey hasn’t been all that easy.
A few months ago, I made the mistake of losing myself in someone, as I always do. I put every single ounce of myself into the idea of someone and the idea of what we could be after I swore I wouldn’t. I cared more about this person loving me and choosing me than I ever did about loving and choosing myself. And because of that, I lost so much time. I lost so much progress. I lost so much of myself. While that’s a story for another time and another platform, that experience has made me worry a lot about losing myself in the people that I care for now. I worry about skipping out on my self-love journey to follow other people in support of their own path. So, for a while, self-isolation was the answer.
But I forget that my journey doesn’t have to be lonely, and it doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s—it’s my journey. I forget that there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely, and being either is okay. But on days where I forget, I have to remember that everything will happen in the way that it’s meant to. By doing so, I’ve fallen deeply in love with the way that the universe works, and I’ve begun to trust it.
I will say that trusting the universe and the unknown is terrifying. It’s crippling and anxiety-inducing and sometimes because of it, my self-love journey is put on hold. There are days where depression sets in, and I just sit in my wasted motivation and potential. It’s the most debilitating and dark feeling, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. But that’s the thing about healing and learning and moving on—the process isn’t linear. There are massive speed bumps in the road along the way. It’s a matter of getting past those speed bumps and seeing the life that you’re meant to be living.
And, reader, I know it sounds like the darkest journey, but I promise that if you can get over those bumps and barriers, you’ll be able to actually control your life and how things affect you. For me, with this new thought process, I’ve been able to manage people’s access to me in ways that I hadn’t been able to before. I let people in my life who help me feel extraordinary. I’ve been able to set boundaries with myself. I’m no longer self-sabotaging or settling or betraying people’s trust. I’m doing things that are in my own best interest and not anyone else’s.
Life doesn’t necessarily have to be lonely or a journey that one goes on by themself, but it can be. People leave and they disappoint and sometimes they don’t choose you. Sometimes you’re not a priority to others. But if you’re a priority to yourself, none of that will matter. So if you take anything from this column and all of these letters, let it be this: The pain that comes with living doesn’t have to hurt as bad as it does. That pain can be lessened by finding that balance between being selfish and selfless, and you sure as hell don’t have to feel guilty for prioritizing yourself.
And just like that, you’re all caught up… for the last time.
Thank you again for being so supportive and so amazing to me. While this might be the end of my journey with The Lexington Line, I’m going to continue growing and writing and just being. So feel free to come hang on caitlyn-mae.com.
Until then…
Only Love,
Caitlyn Mae