Beginner's Guide to Love Languages

When it comes to relationships, it can be hard navigating the complexities of love. No two couples are the same, and everyone gives and receives love in different ways. This, my friends, is where the concept of love languages comes in.

According to marriage counselor Gary Chapman who coined the term, love languages consist of five distinct ways in which a partner expresses and receives love. The idea of trying to unscramble and understand your partner's or even your own love language—especially with there being five different categories—can seem intimidating.

Fear not! We are going to be breaking down each of the five languages and discuss not only how to identify how each language expresses itself when giving and receiving, but also give ideas on how to better show your partner love using the concept.

Acts Of Service

Do you like when your partner ever fills your empty glass of water without being asked, or does your spouse enjoy making your lunch for work? Then odds are, acts of service are you and your spouse's love language. The general idea of this love language is showing love by doing or receiving any kind of act that you know your partner would like.

Being one of the more subtle languages, it can be easy to overlook this form of love, but if your partner tends to do little tasks for you without being asked, then it's more than likely that giving is their love language. It is important that you acknowledge their acts and show appreciation for all that they do for you, no matter how mundane!

Now, if your partner identifies that this is the kind of love they like to receive, the important thing to remember is pay attention. Try to remember little things like their coffee order, or if they complain about doing a chore. For some ideas of acts of service, you can:

Fill their car with gas.
Ask if they need anything picked up while running errands.
Do any of their chores like taking out the trash or washing dishes
Stock up on toiletries for them at your place (menstrual products, toothbrushes, etc).
Make breakfast in bed.

Physical Touch

Have you ever caught you or your partner always trying to have some form of physical contact even if it's barely a touch? Well, looks like physical touch may be your poison of choice. This love language refers to the preference of giving and receiving love in a physical form as opposed to other types of affection.

According to the psychology website Just Mind, physical touch actually releases oxytocin—the love hormone—which can help grow a stronger emotional attachment between people. Not to mention, it can also act as a stress reliever.

Though this love language can be self-explanatory, some activities you can do to express your love through physical touch include:

Sneaking random kisses.
Give each other a back rub or massage.
If you notice them in distress, give their arm a squeeze or hold their hand.
Slow dance together.
Ask them how they want to be touched both sexually and non-sexually.

Giving/Receiving Gifts

Seen as more a materialistic and at times greedy act of love, gift-giving and receiving is by far one of the most misunderstood love languages. The reality of this act of love is that it is not about the actual gift, but what the gift represents.

Mark Williams, a licensed relationship counselor, explains this idea by saying, “you feel loved [or that you’re demonstrating love] with a tangible item,” and that “whether that item is a tiny trinket from a thrift store, or a 50-foot sailboat is inconsequential.” Essentially, it's all about the sentiment.

Any kind of thoughtful gift can be given to fulfill this love need, but if you want a more personal and meaningful gift then you should:

If your partner is a reader, annotate a book for them.
Write them a heartfelt love letter.
Spontaneously give them flowers.
Bring them their favorite coffee order.
Order your partner their favorite meal on a food delivery app for them.

Quality Time

When being in a relationship, it’s sort of a given for a couple to spend quality time together. However, when it comes to this expression of love, the literal act of togetherness is the best way to make your significant other feel appreciated. Whether it's giving them your undivided attention, or simply doing your daily tasks together, a person with this love language will appreciate any opportunity to just be together.

Feeling connected to their partner is the most important quality for a person whose love language is quality time; it gives them a sense of importance, priority, and love within the relationship. Especially in today's digital age, it's become even more important to put down the phone and set that time aside for your partner.

Some activities you can do with your partner to give them that quality time can include:

Study dates.
Go out and stargaze.
Take a couple’s cooking class together.
Have a movie marathon with your favorite film franchise.
Go out for a hike.

Word Of Affirmation

Who doesn’t love a good compliment? Well, our fifth and final love language is words of affirmation, and it's all about giving and receiving praise. This is the only one out of the languages that revolves around verbalizing your appreciation and validation of your partner while strengthening your emotional intimacy.

Of course, communication is key in every aspect of a relationship, but by validating your partner, you are able to help build the strength of your relationships through trust and motivation—after all, who doesn’t like to hear when they are doing something right?

Words of affirmation can be verbalized in a multitude of ways, but to give you an idea of some affirmations to tell to your partner, you can say:

I am proud of all that you accomplish.
I love the way you [insert a trait like make everyone you meet smile].
You are my best friend.
You make me feel safe when I am with you.
You make me want to be a better person.

If after reading this, you feel like you are struggling to identify which one is your preferred love language, don’t worry. You can take Chapman’s own quiz which will help you identify the way you like to be loved. Also, why not make it a couples activity and take it together?

What’s your love language? Leave a comment below.